Loved and Lost
by crc2010
Summary: James writes Kendall a letter everyday to tell him how he feels since the accident to cope his loss. IMPLIED SLASH. XKames JAMES/KENDALL CHARACTER DEATH VERY DARK R&R


Autumn leaves fall from the tree tops, blowing in the wind to their gentle landing on the browning grass. The air nips at my nose, it's cold and frosty. I feel my nose turn red, almost as red as my puffy eyes, and tear-stained cheeks. But I'm not crying now, I can't. I have cried out all the water within my body. It's no use to cry again, it's been months and crying hasn't brought Kendall back.

I come to visit him everyday at 7:15 p.m. The time of the accident. His last moments with me. Our last kiss. The last time I ever felt joy. The last time I had hope and believed in love and life. Now I feel bitterness, and sorrow, and sometimes if I'm lucky I don't feel anything at all.

I wipe red leaves off of the marble stone and trace his name with my cold fingers. I stare at the picture of us that I left when they put him below the earth. I inhale the orchid, his favorite flower, the flower I gave him for any special occasion.

I get out my notebook, the one I keep the letters no one knows about it. The letters I write to him while I'm here. I can't bare to speak to him, I can't handle that. It could kill me to speak verbally to him, so I write. I write him letters to let him know how I am.

_Kendall,_

_Today wasn't so bad. I smiled at my reflection for a few minutes. You probably seen from the sky and smiled. I think that's why the sun shined so brightly. I only cried three times today, and it was only briefly. I like to think I'm getting stronger, but the more strength I gain the more a voice in my head tells me that it's wrong._

_I know that you want me to be happy, but how can I be happy when I'm alone. I'm alone and I shouldn't have to be. Because, you should be here. You should be sitting with me, and not in a god forsaken graveyard._

_I still pretend you're here sometimes. I like to imagine our conversations. Where we would be after school. What our days would have been like. Today in math I imagined you and I passing notes. We were making fun of Mr. Craig. We were laughing about how much he acts, and looks like a frog. I even laughed a little out loud, but it didn't last. I realized I was being impractical and that I didn't truly deserve to laugh._

_Kenny, what's heaven like? Is it what I've always dreamed of? Is it really golden streets? And your wings, how magnificent are they? I bet you look absolutely beautiful. You're wings are probably the most glorious, and extraordinary site ever known to existent. And what color do you wear? Are you really in all white? That's my favorite color on you, so I bet you are. And I bet your smile brightens the earth's sky. Is that why the sun is so bright, because you are smiling down at me? I can't wait to find out, and spend an eternity there with you._

_I have a favor Kendall. I don't think it's asking to much, but it might I'm not sure. But can you visit me in my dreams? I haven't seen you in them since that night. I use to dream about you every night, and now I never do. Do you stay away because you can't? Or is it because you're mad at me for what happened? Please visit me tonight, I can explain it all to you. I can give you a proper apology. I don't sleep at night because I know I still won't see you, not even in my dreams. It's not fair. I miss you, Kendall. I miss you so much._

_Well, I've been here for an hour and a half, and I'm due home. I wish I could just spend the night here with you, maybe in the spring when it's warm I'll camp out with you. Make smores, but the way you like them, melty and messy even if it makes me sticky which I hate. I hope I see you tonight, Kendall. I love you so much. And I feel like I'll fall to pieces if I don't see you soon, even if it is in a dream._

_Love,_

_James._

The tear drops are hitting the pages full force now. I guess my body has more water I didn't know about. I shut the notebook and slip into my backpack. I kiss the marble before a final goodbye.

"I love you, Kendall." My throat is dry and the words come out in a small, hoarse whisper. But it's the first words I've spoken out loud to him since he left. I didn't even mean to say them.

The wind picks up again, but it's warmer now and the sun shines bright one final time before sinking into the earth. It's him. He heard me. And he responded.

Something fills me that I haven't felt in months. Hope.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope you enjoyed this, I know it was sad and very brief. I just needed to get out some emotions right now (No one has passed away in my life right now though, but I am dealing with personal issues) and writing helps me vent. This story just represents the mind set I'm in and I hope you enjoy. Please Read & Review, and be very honest.


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